Some days it feels like it's all a dream, other days I wake in the middle of the night and I cry and shake. A friend gave me the book How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, and a grief counselor recommended I read Motherless Daughters.
I watched my mom take her last breaths. I watched the mortician gently lay her on the gurney and slowly drive away. I saw her lying in her pale purple casket, looking like a porcelain doll of herself. But, somehow, I still keep thinking I might wake up from her death.
She said she would always be with me, and I know that she will. But what happens when I look at my blocked-out calendar on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it feels so empty because I used to spend those days with her? What happens when I go to register my kids for school and I have to delete her name as an emergency contact on 4 records? It hurts. It reopens the reality that she is not a phone call away.
I cry in the strangest moments, and I can't cry when I ache inside. I take medication to help me that I never dreamed I'd have to swallow. I call Bill (the amazing hospice social worker) and he gently guides me through the next phase of pain. I pray continually. I exercise harder and faster, day after day, to try to release negative energy.
It doesn't go away. This is still my reality. My mom is gone and I miss her so much.
You are loved and in our prayers.
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