Some days it feels like it's all a dream, other days I wake in the middle of the night and I cry and shake. A friend gave me the book How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, and a grief counselor recommended I read Motherless Daughters.
I watched my mom take her last breaths. I watched the mortician gently lay her on the gurney and slowly drive away. I saw her lying in her pale purple casket, looking like a porcelain doll of herself. But, somehow, I still keep thinking I might wake up from her death.
She said she would always be with me, and I know that she will. But what happens when I look at my blocked-out calendar on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it feels so empty because I used to spend those days with her? What happens when I go to register my kids for school and I have to delete her name as an emergency contact on 4 records? It hurts. It reopens the reality that she is not a phone call away.
I cry in the strangest moments, and I can't cry when I ache inside. I take medication to help me that I never dreamed I'd have to swallow. I call Bill (the amazing hospice social worker) and he gently guides me through the next phase of pain. I pray continually. I exercise harder and faster, day after day, to try to release negative energy.
It doesn't go away. This is still my reality. My mom is gone and I miss her so much.
I'm late, I'm late, for a very important update! The end of March, doctors told Mom that the cancer is back in her brain again and that radiation and chemo are no longer treatment options for her. Mom panicked at first, then she started to feel physically better and even eat better.
Last week, Mom asked me to plan a trip to California to take her to the beach and Disneyland while she is feeling so good. I was shocked because, for months, she hasn't even wanted to leave her home to go to the local movie theater or really anywhere. The trip was planned, then canceled, then rescheduled again the day of. We packed in a few hours and took off. We invited all of my siblings, but it's crazy and difficult to get on a trip in a moment's notice, so not all could come.
Mom loved the hotel! She ate more breakfast than the rest of us combined! Her skeleton body needs it! Her favorite ride is Radiator Springs Racers cause it's the only ride she went on! Watching the Disney Magic Map show, a beach day, then standing in one long ride line was all her fragile body could handle! So we ordered Panda Express, ate Costco tacos and Mickey Mouse beignets in her room, watched the Disney fireworks from her hotel window, and the teenagers taught Grandpa Keith how to navigate the parks, get on all the best rides, and eat all the tastiest treats!
So many magical memories were made with hundreds of pictures to remember these precious times. We're grateful that Mom is feeling well. They tell us weeks to months, but how long she is with us is between Mom and God! All we need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust!
(Pictures will come later. I'm writing this on the car ride back to Utah!)
I always love when people ask me how my mom is doing. Sometimes it hurts to answer, and I can't hold back the tears, when I describe her fight for life. But, I am so grateful that people continually ask about her because it means they really care!
My mom has endured so much. Last week she was told that the cancer has spread to her brain. This was such a shock because seconds before we had just been told that there was no new cancer in her body, that her bones and liver had much-improved, and that her chemo treatments had been very successful. We knew the cancer would eventually invade her brain, but we had secretly hoped for a long duration of stability before further metastasis. When I heard this news, it felt like my already broken heart crumbled into tiny bits.
My mom immediately started daily full-brain radiation, she is on dementia medications for her memory, and her balance is off because there are some tumors in her cerebellum.
What does this mean? We all ask. I wish I knew how to prepare for what will come next in my mom's cancer battle. It hurts like crazy to watch someone you love struggle so much. I can't even begin to imagine how she must feel. She lays on the radiation table, they tighten the bolts around her face to hold her head perfectly still, and yet she is still smiling through the mask.
I have seen her cry, but most of her life she displays a contagious smile. You should wander around Costco with her riding her motorized cart, and just listen to the compliments she gets from random strangers about her beauty and how she shines! She really is an angel on earth! I know that some day God will take her home. But for now, I will enjoy every precious minute. Time is a gift.
Some days chemo provides improved lab values and a string of good days for my Mom. Other times, chemo is a mean price to pay for life. First session this time around, Mom was vomiting excessively and convulsing. Following sessions, she has been prophylactically treated to prevent recurrence of the first cycle. I am grateful for every good minute!
I have had to stay clear of Mom for almost 2 weeks now as I care for my niece who recently had two live-virus vaccines. These immunizations will keep all healthy in the long-run, but we can't take any risks that Mom could contract an illness with exposure. I miss my Mom deeply, and I can't wait to be with her later this week!
The benefit concert the last weekend in April was such an incredible experience. So many life-long friends and dear family members were there to support. The music was heart-felt, spiritual, and even emotional. This was such a gift to our whole family!
The generous owner of Payson Olson's Garden wouldn't let me pay for Mom's Mother's Day hanging flower baskets this year when she heard about Mom's diagnosis. There are so many thoughtful and giving people in this world!
Can I just say how much I love Doctor Garner! He is the ultimate best! He recommends we not use the "C" (cancer) word or the "T" (terminal) word, and that we focus on living in the moment. Mom wants to plan sewing days and a "Time-Out for Women" day. I'm looking forward to helping make these happen! Garner says my mom does everything with "PANACHE"!
Every day I hope to be more like my mama, and handle my trials with grace and style!
My mom called me today! This is a good thing! She is feeling well and invited us over to make jewelry and help bling her cane! There is sunshine in my soul today! I have mostly received alarming phone calls (or no call at all) from her over the last month, so this is a piece of progress I am so grateful for!
Easter was extra special this year. It once again came with the assurance of life after death; but, it also came with a much more personal witness of this truth. All of the things I've ever known and professed to believe are not just beautiful sentiments, but are real. One of my favorite sermons ever given on the Resurrection was delivered by Elder Wirthlin and entitled, Sunday Will Come. The following are a few excerpts from this talk (though I'd highly recommend reading it in its entirety):
"We know what the resurrection is--the reuniting of the spirit and body in its perfect form. When we are resurrected, 'this mortal body is raised to an immortal body...[we] can die no more.' Can you imagine that? Life at our prime? Never sick, never in pain, never burdened by the ills that so often beset us in mortality?
The Resurrection is at the core of our beliefs as Christians. Without it, our faith is meaningless.
...When the Savior rose from the tomb, He did something no one had ever done. He did something no one else could do. He broke the bonds of death, not only for Himself but for all who have ever lived...
I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross...It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God. I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world's history, that Friday was the darkest.
But the doom of that day did not endure.
The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of mankind...Jesus Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.
Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come."
This experience with my mother feels like a "dark Friday"; but I hang my hope on the promise that Sunday will indeed come. In my most private moments, I've reflected on what the Savior did for us. I reverence the Savior's suffering and crucifixion; though I wouldn't call it the symbol of my faith. Because although he died for us, HE LIVES. And I've come to understand that if I focus too much on the devastation, I will miss the miracle. The same goes for the situation with my mother, I suppose.
Over Easter weekend we hauled my mom up to Bear Lake. This was a bucket list item she had hoped to fulfill, and we're all about making dreams come true these days! At the dawn of Easter morning, we took her on a "Resurrection Walk" (Keith called it the "Resurrection Roll" since she was wheelchair bound) and guided her through the course of events leading up to that glorious day. At the end, Grady shared his talk he'd given in church the week prior. This weekend will be etched into my memory forever. I'm so grateful for the Resurrection which makes it possible that we can live after we die.
