God's Plan

Last week we learned that the cancer has spread all throughout her bones--from her skull, down her spine, into her shoulders, and finally her hips and pelvis area. As I sat soaking it all in, I was reminded of a troubled, yet comforting, conversation we had in the hospital one evening. The big question on the table was, "How? How could this have gone undetected?" Since my mother's original cancer diagnosis in April 2015, she has spent every other day in a doctor's office; she's had every scan, every treatment, every extra treatment, every everything. Could it be possible that it came back with such haste and fury that it wasn't detectable until now? What part, if any, could be chalked up to human error? When this particular question arose, my step-dad quietly testified, "One person's error can't mess up God's plan." He's right. I suppose if God sees fit to preserve my mother's life, He will. But if not, and He's calling her home, I know that He will carry us through this. I get a feeling, deep inside, that the latter is the case. Though, I wish it weren't. Elder Bednar once delivered a beautiful talk entitled, That We Might Not Shrink. Perhaps a truer expression of faith than of that to be healed, is the faith not to be. I work minute by minute to foster this kind of faith in me.

Yesterday was a big day for my mom. We've all worn out our knees in prayer begging for as much time as possible...and hoping that the chemotherapy could provide this. Of course time itself isn't all we're after, but quality of life is of equal importance. My mother's will to live has kept her with us this long; however, she's bravely stated that she doesn't wish to spend her final days in a sick haze...unable to interact and enjoy the time she has left.

The morning started off a little rough, but quickly smoothed out. She arrived at the hospital, they hooked her up, and things seemed to be moving along just fine. In fact, she was her usual spunky self.

A couple hours in, she started feeling extra nauseous and began vomiting. All the while, apologizing to those who had to watch and inviting them to walk away if necessary. Then things really took a turn for the worse and she started to feel freezing cold, turned a grayish color, and began to rigor. I quickly searched out her nurse, who was assisting another patient. I couldn't see anyone else around, so I banged on the staff door. Once alerted, the entire medical staff rushed to her aid. The ache I feel while watching my mother suffer is unexplainably painful. She really scared us. Doc Rich is unsure why she reacted adversely to the chemo...could be an underlying UTI, higher than normal calcium levels, anxiety, not enough rest...or any combination of these. He decided it would be best to admit her to the hospital, stabilize her, take the proper time to assess the situation, and come up with a good game plan moving forward.

We'll all hang in there.

We could use some extra prayers.

We love you.

Thank you.

We got her this simple bracelet to wear to chemo to remind her of all the people who love her and are rooting for her (which we know are many!) My mom is too sick and compromised to receive visitors at this time...but thank you for always being with her in heart :-)

All my love,
Heidi